This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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