Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
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