I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
