i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
