Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
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