I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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