Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
