Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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