is your mom at the bar?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
