1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
