my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
