You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
