my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I am midnight drunk by noon
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
