wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
She needs sedatives and a leash
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
