It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
