I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
