i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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