the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
