She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
