i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
this is an emotional support booty call
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
