I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
