my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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