cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
