Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
