I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
