My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
