I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
