this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
