I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I cut my penus on the lid.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
