How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Randomize
