I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
