3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
