I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
