Even the bartender felt bad for me
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
