you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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