sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
