3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
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door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
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And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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