i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
