checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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