he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
