My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
