Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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