oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Boobs are out for the taking
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
