she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
