just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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