Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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