just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
