I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
