I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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