just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
