Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
