I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
