did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
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Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
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She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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