i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
