He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
