i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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