He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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